In the last two weeks the media have had a field day, showing my bête noir Tony Blair in a totally different light.
This time not as the controversial political leader who took Britain to war against Iraq, and not as the moneymaking ex-prime minister who scours the world in search of more opportunities to complement his vast wealth – but as an alleged lover, which he denies with his usual élan.
This side of Tony has never surfaced before in this context. Could he be a man of extraordinary powers whose wide scope of interest does not exclude the bedroom? His wife has testified to his considerable ability in the marital bed, even hinting to marathon lovemaking and an ability to achieve two more performances per night than his three electoral successes.
Well, the highly romantic Wendi Deng, the ex-wife of Rupert Murdoch whose maturity rivals Sally Bercow, is certainly guilty of a crush on our Tony in which she gushed like a smitten schoolgirl about his physical attributes. She went into manic details about his good body, his fine legs, his good skin, his piercing blue eyes, his power on the stage and how much she misses him. Obviously his sheer presence, if nothing else, has sent the woman into rhapsodic fervour if not sexual arousal which from the sound of things has loosened her tongue with indiscretions likely to cause him embarrassment or a bulging ego.
One may well ask if this latest twist in his varied activities will still enhance his profile, to demonstrate that nothing is beyond the reach of his magnetic field. In his secret meetings with Wendi timed when Rupert was not around, many subjects must have been broached which would have shed light on their mystifying encounters and the basis of their relationship.
If I were a fly on the wall I would possibly reconstruct the gist of their conversation as follows:
WENDI: ‘I’m so pleased you were able to come, my dear Tony. Dare I say I miss you terribly and that you remind me of the sort of man in my dreams I yearn for who will transport me to a heavenly enclave so rich in the fruits of eternal love.’
TONY: ‘The day I met you my dear Wendi I was quick to recognise something so endearing about you that I said to myself, “Be careful Tony, you are a happily married man with a loving family and a wife who said if I ever strayed she would cut off my penis.” I am in a quandary what to do. I miss you but I will equally be devastated if I were to lose my manhood. It would be a calamity.’
WENDI: ‘You are such a remarkable man. A doer in every sense of the word. A man of great principle who rescued Iraq from tyranny and brought peace and stability to the country, and as an ambassador of peace in the Middle East you continue to have a major role in bringing the Palestinians and the Israelis to the negotiating table.
But apart from all that, you’re a highly attractive man that women will invariably fall helplessly in love with. This love bug has not spared me and I hope that one day you, the man of my dreams, will miraculously lift me to horizons I have not so far negotiated.’
TONY: ‘You are a beautiful woman so poetically endowed with a romanticism that has always appealed to me. I find you irresistibly attractive but alas let our dreams be our escape route to bliss and, who knows, perhaps the future will be kinder to both of us, as I believe hope is the only answer in the predicament we find ourselves.’
WENDI: ‘To me you are a saintly person who sacrifices his life for the benefit of others. I will always hanker to be close to you so as the goodness enshrined in you will touch me gently and that touch will have such a sensual reaction to a pulsating body that can never forget the unforgettable.’
Tony was so overcome by her tender feelings that a sudden frisson of passion invaded his body and he decided to avert temptation and bid her farewell as he could no longer stand the overpowering desire of falling prey to a sinful outcome, being the good Catholic that he is.
Wendi, on the other hand – though stricken by her adulation – was somehow comforted by the old saying that love is a sweet torment. This, in the absence of the real thing, she hoped might have an orgasmic after effect to quench her burning desire.