My Weekend Review

Notwithstanding the fawning acolytes who trail celebrities and those connected to the royals through marriage, Pippa Middleton’s highly anticipated book has not so far met with the success her publishers anticipated.

Her slim figure, her pert bottom, her feigned shyness, her glittering wardrobe – all these contributing factors to an orchestrated ‘low-key’ publicity campaign will probably boomerang in the end if she fails the scrutiny of her made-up image for these occasions.

She’s been derided in certain quarters for her sudden elevation to prominence due in the main to her sister’s marriage and her harmonious, wriggly bottom which appears to be her most promotable asset. It seems the battle between the book and the bottom will eventually decide which one will win at the expense of the other.

The very principle of going through the back door for privileges which are not available to ordinary people is not the best way to achieve honest success. The Establishment should know better and refrain from encouraging celebrities to take advantage of their apparent popularity and skin the system.

Talent must always be the key, and nothing else.

* * *

Men are generally moronic when it comes to sex.

Their brain stops functioning and their penis takes over. They sell their soul to the Devil and begin the fatal descent into ruination. They betray friends, threaten their own livelihood, sacrifice their dignity and end up decrepit and forlorn.

What is it about sex that blinds their clear perception, and renders them captive to their own insatiable desires? In brief, it is their manic and indiscriminate pursuit of women to prove their manhood and demonstrate their power.

Take the case of the Japanese gentleman whose bid at an auction to de-virgin a Brazilian student, aged twenty, reached the sum of £483,000. Catarina Migliorini had offered her virginity to the highest bidder and he topped the list. It is a preposterous auction in the first instance and the sum paid must rank as the ultima Thulli.

As for the girl herself, she is to be pitied for her ignorance. Her virginity is a symbol of great pride for any young woman and for womanhood in particular. It is bestowed to someone you love and is considered a sacred emblem of chastity in every religion and assembly the world over. To demean it, let alone have it ravaged for money in this horrible fashion, is the cesspit in vulgarity and should be looked upon as the most despicable kind of impudicity.

‘If you only do it once in your life then you are not a prostitute, just like if you take one amazing photograph, it does not automatically make you a photographer,’ she reasons loquaciously.

What a load of dross this misguided woman rattles on to defend her actions. Let’s face it, she’s nothing but a laced mutton.

The stupid Catarina will be marked for life for abusing herself and her body, and as for the gentleman he should be whipped until he bleeds for committing such a crude and messy act that shames men of quality and stature in every strata of a civilised society.

May the penis of the perpetrator shrink in perpetuity.

* * *

The Middleton saga continues.

Hardly a day passes by without the public being served a whopping dish of the Middletons. If it isn’t the Duchess of Cambridge, it is her sister Pippa, or their mother with her latest youngish dress, or for that matter their brother James who looks dazed but half pleased with himself for being treated as a second-class royal. Poor little twerp.

What are we going to expect next? The Middletons seem unstoppable. The only person to keep his sanity appears to be the head of the family, who has until now shown some restraint by shunning the limelight.

The rest are all for the take. The most noticeable is Pippa who has cleverly manipulated her image to have the best of two worlds. As a result, she’s feted wherever she goes, especially by the upper echelons of society, given police protection as if she’s one of the royals, and making a mint in the process. Good work for someone who is in the opinion of that great guru of fashion Karl Lagerfeld better seen from the back rather than the front.

Despite such disparaging remarks, I am in no doubt that she will be crying with one eye and laughing with the other.

* * *

Former Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced last Thursday to four years in jail by a Milano court for tax evasion.

Will he ever serve his time, is the talking point among Italians, the majority of whom believe that he will somehow avoid going to prison.

Unlike Lord Black, if Berlusconi is incarcerated he will rob the nation of a rich source of sexual scandal that keeps the world on tenterhooks to what will follow.

People of his age and especially Italians are in awe of him, for he lives his life to the full, fornicating his way right left and centre to keep himself trim and make the young generation envious of his sexual exploits.

He’s certainly an astute politician, a very clever and ruthless businessman, a figure of fun among his enemies, but also feared by the Italian Establishment for his inveterate determination to remain an almighty thorn in Italian politics.

He might be a rogue, but the world will be a much duller place without him. My message to him: please hang on for a while longer and make us look at you through green glasses, for our envy might rekindle our long lost libido.

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